I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Randomize
