the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
