All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
