I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
