There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
