I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
