I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
