so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
