fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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