Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
