4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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