oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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