I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
