Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Randomize
