i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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