Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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