I was born with a shot glass in my hand
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize