I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
