I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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