just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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