Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
