Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
