she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
