my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize