I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
