I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
