If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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