Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
two words...techno handjob
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
