I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
