so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
She's the barista slut.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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