Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
