you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize