How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
