I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
