my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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