his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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