Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
