So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
