I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
