My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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