highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
