so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
