Say something about gay babies.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
