I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
