mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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