Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize