Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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