Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
