dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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