she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
