I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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