Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
