You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
