I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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