either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
So vagazzling was a success
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
