Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
