yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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