How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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