Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize